Saturday, February 21, 2009

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going

So any loyal followers out there (HELLO . . . Hello . . . hello . . . ) -

In case you have been wondering where I have been these past few weeks and months, I have been working on a brand spanking new site! And I am using that term 'I' rather loosely. Jeremy, my beloved husband has been putting together the new site for my blog. Don't worry, all the old content has gotten pushed over there. There may be a few final kinks to iron out with media transfer, but basically what I am saying is, change your Google Reader listing! Change your bookmarks! And if you didn't have me bookmarked before, that's really ok. I forgive you. Here's the address that you should bookmark instead!!

The new address is .

So come on over, kick your shoes off and make yourself at home. I look forward to seeing what you all think of the new diggs!

What are you doing still reading this post and this silly blog?? Go to my new site! Go on! Get outta here!

Read On...

Friday, January 30, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My Life, One Big Mess

I hope and pray that you are better people than me; that you can see God; that you know where you belong; that you don't give up. Make sure to call that friend you've been meaning to call. Give your sister or your spouse a hug. Give some money or a sandwich to the homeless guy on your street corner. Stop waiting for something to happen and go do it.

You ever wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you would be? Right now, I am lonely, upset, tired, scared and sad. I am getting out of shape, losing faith, getting lazier and becoming stupider.

I have been crying for the past hour and I have no one that I can call for comfort and advice right now. No one to turn to. I can't hear God. Not sure that I ever could. Nad I know its my own fault.

I am really good at faking the optimism, the faith, and even the intelligence.

I need to try harder to do better, to pray more, to read more. Maybe if I just wasn't so lazy, I would be a better friend, and hence have better friends. Maybe if I weren't so lazy, I wouldn't be so out of shape. Maybe, if I wasn't so lazy, I would be able to hear God better. Maybe, if I weren't so lazy, I'd do something with my life.

What does it even mean to "feel the presence of God"? Sounds hokey.
Read On...

Monday, January 05, 2009

Oysters, square dancing, vienna fingers, and caramel apples.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.
Genesis 3:19

It's funny how death makes you think about life. It is only five days into 2009 and I have a second funeral to attend. Last Friday I attended a service commemorating my friend's grandmother. I did not know the one who had passed on, but I went so that I could support my friend and her family.

This week I will be attending services for my grandmother-in-law, Doris Weber.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21

Death is something that I both fear and look forward to.

Why do I look forward to it?

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelations 21:4

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. John 14:1-4

I look forward to it because I will finally be fulfilled. I will be able to meet Jesus, the one whom I long for, face to face. I will worship Him and praise him full, as I was created to do. Maybe I will finally understand his ways; perhaps I will finally grasp the depth of his love. Until then, I do my best here, failing daily.

So why do I fear death at all?
Simply, I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of what will happen to those around me who are passing. I do not think that I could bear life without my husband. How do I know the hearts of those I love? Will they spend eternity worshiping with me? Or will we be separated forever?

I don't pretend to understand death at all. I don't know what heaven will be like. I don't know what our "heavenly treasures" will be. I do know that everything good and lovely here on Earth is nothing but a shadow of things to come. I know that as a child of God, I will be complete and fulfilled. I know that heaven is not fluffy clouds, cute chubby cherubs, harps and pearly gates only. I know that it is much much more than you can imagine.

I know that all I have and can influence is today.
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
To live is Christ . . .

Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. Psalm 39:4

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Doris Weber, Mom-mom is Jeremy's paternal grandmother. She lived in Lutherville, Maryland, down the street from where her mother had lived and across the street from her daughter.

Though I did not get to know her as well as I would have liked, there are some things that will always remind me of Mom-mom. Oysters from her Easter dinner, square dancing (which was a passion of hers), caramel apples because that is what she gave us for Christmas just 10 days ago. Square dancing played a large part in Doris's life. She showed me her closets full of old square dancing outfits, her basement was remodeled and designed so that there would be room for dances and dance lessons! The Mason Dixon Square Dancing Federation has a short post in memory of Doris. On the MSDSDF website, you can even see upcoming dances where Doris is slotted as a caller or cuer.

I asked Jeremy for one of his favorite memories with Doris and he told me about how he used to stay at her house and ride his big wheel up to Nanny's (Jeremy's great grandmother) to get vienna finger cookies, so add vienna fingers to my list.

In thinking about Doris and how I will remember her from the short time that she has been a part of my life, and in discussing the arrangements for this week, the conversation between Jeremy and myself ended up with thoughts about our own deaths and more specifically our funerals.

I don't want everyone to where black to my funeral. I'd prefer red. I also want to come up with some great song that you would never play at a funeral but will make everyone smile because of how I touched their lives. Hmm, perhaps the Beatles, or maybe Colin Hay, 'Waiting for my real life to begin.' Thinking about my funeral led to thinking about how people would remember me. Doris left me a great legacy in her grandkids, my dear husband and his brother whom is also a good friend of mine. What kind of legacy will I leave?

So as I think about what I want to leave behind, and how I want my life to have made a difference, however small in someone else's life, let me leave you with these words:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Please keep Jeremy and his family in your prayers, especially Doris's husband Dan and her children Ray (Jeremy's Dad) and Linda. Read On...

That's sooooo last year.

So its about that time of year where every blog and respectable media outlet or publication delivers a review of the old year, our mistakes and triumphs in retrospect and makes some sort of prediction for new year, 2009.

I suppose that it is my turn to publish some sort of thoughts on the year that has passed and the year to come, although I am about five or six days late.

New Year's is always a good time for introspection. Switchfoot's song really says it best. This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

I have to admit that I don't know. I don't know if I am who I want to be, but that is largely because I don't know who I want to be.

In the past year or so as I have been posting sporadically on this blog, my blog (as well as my life) has migrated. Just go read some of the earliest entries. I have gone from writing about my thoughts on life to posting pictures and updates on what I am doing. There is a time and a place for this, but that is not why I started this blog, nor why I called it 'On Today.' I like posting photos, especially as I become a better photographer, I hope to share that journey with you. But I also want to share my deeper journey, the journey of my life, of my heart and soul. I feel that as this blog has become a shallow log of my daily activities, my life has become shallower in what I pursue and prioritize. Two years ago I was leading Bible studies, engaging in thought provoking conversations on a daily basis, simply living more about God in my daily routine. I didn't have to try to fit God in, he was there. Now, I see myself slipping away from him further and further as the days go on. Not because of anything catastrophic, but because of laziness and complacency.

I don't know how to reverse this. Try googling "overcoming laziness" or "tricks to get motivated" and you will see a wealth of BS. I guess, as with all things, I am going to have to take this a step at a time. Two steps forward and one step back. Now I just have to make sure I don't get so frustrated every time I fall.

Perhaps things will get better once Jeremy and are settled down someplace permanent, perhaps when we find a new church, perhaps when I finish school so I don't have to deal with work + school + life all at the same time. But perhaps I am just making excuses not to make a change today.

I don't remember quite what the point was that I wanted to make with this post. There will be some logistical changes coming soon to this site (especially with the new location/revamp coming soon, get excited folks!) and hopefully, for those of you who know me, you will see a change in me too. Though its not so important that I change in your eyes, but in Gods.

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Read On...