I am a little frustrated. Don't read more unless you want the ugly details.
I am not ugly nor dumb. Yet I seem to becoming both. This more than a simply girly 'I am soo fat,' so please don't dismiss this as something so petty.
A few things have been on my mind and I am just going to spend a few minutes complaining.
Motivation: I am so not motivated to do anything right now. Why? I have no clue. It gets worse when Jeremy is away. I don't feel like doing homework, doing stuff at work, cleaning the house or anything. Even books fail to tempt me. I can't concentrate on anything. Even easy homework problems and simple tasks are becoming a chore. I need to get rid of the TV and internet in my life, but I hate being alone and so the tv is pretty much always on when Jeremy is away. I googled 'how to cure laziness.' All I could find was 'get off your butt.' Thanks, I know that. I am just having trouble doing it.
Skills: I am not really good at anything. I am a jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-none. I enjoy photography, but so does everyone and their mother these days! I am not really good at anything: I am mediocre at ultimate, at cooking/baking, at photography, at writing, at math and physics, everything.
Sleep: I can't sleep. And yet I am tired all the time. I can't fall asleep or I am falling asleep in the middle of the day. I can't get up in the morning. I think that most of that has to do with laziness and then I fall back asleep and then I am just more tired because then I have to pull myself out of a restless sleep to wake up.
Weight: My lack of motivation for anything (see section 1) also means not being motivated to get any exercise. Thus I cannot lose weight. I have been trying to eat healthier, but I know that is not enough, plus the lack of motivation gets in the way of spending the time to prepare a tasty and healthy meal. So I am slightly chubby and not getting any better, in fact, more than likely I am getting worse. And that is not good, for specific health reasons.
Uselessness: I feel useless. I have a good job but am lost. I don't have a passion about what I do. I don't know what I would have a passion about. Between work and class, I don't have time to do what I want. But then, again, I don't know what I want. I want to be a good wife, but on top of class and homework and work, I am not keeping the apartment as well as I would like and I don't get to cook as much as I would like.
Faith: My faith is stagnant. I told you I was going to be honest. I don't know where God wants me, I don't feel God at all. I can't hear him, and yet I yearn to be pursued. I believe that a lot of my feelings of uselessness and lack of purpose stem from my stagnant faith. Serving God is my purpose, but I am a low point on my sine curve. Speaking of sine curves I also can't shake the guilt that I have let down more than one of my friends.
Friends and Loneliness: I am lonely. I have the most awesome husband in the world, but this week he is away. Jeremy can't be with me all the time. I feel disconnected from all my friends, or those who used to be my friends. I feel like I have let a lot of them down. I feel like a lot of them have let me down. Now that I am out of school, friendships take effort. I have had several people subtly or not-so-subtly have inferred that its because I have gotten married. I do agree that marriage takes work and is definitely my priority right now, so if that is really a problem, then I guess everyone just has to learn that Jeremy is my number one. That aside, I miss my friends! I know that I am not the best at correspondence, so is it completely my fault? What about everyone on the other end? This past year+, my life has completely changed and so I have lost touch with pretty much everyone. There have been two specifically who have made a huge effort, and I love them for it!
So in short: I weigh more than I should, I don't know who I am or where I want to go, I am lazy and thus getting dumber and I am lonely.
I could use some help, but I don't know where to ask. I need to do something but I don't know what or where to start.
Yup, that is me spewing my complaints into the vast darkness of cyberspace. Now why am I posting this? One, I have no one else to talk to right now. Two, I kinda half hope that someone will read this and understand. The problem is that I 'know' all the answers, all the platitudes, every response that someone may give me. I can give myself a pep talk that could rival the best pep talk you've ever heard.
So now what?
5 weeks ago
2 comments:
I am so with you on the motivation and the skills. I wish there was just one thing in my life that I was extremely passionate about and extrodinarily good at. So I know how you feel.
It also sounds like you're suffering from depression, which doesn't have to be as condemning as it sounds. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or counselor? Really and honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking out somebody who is a professional listener. Therapy is just a nice way to get your feelings out, and typically gain some insight into yourself. I'm not saying to go pop a bunch of pills, but it may help just to talk it out with somebody who knows what to listen for. Pat and I have even discussed seeing a relationship counselor so that we can figure out better ways to communicate with each other. I don't think it's a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of great strength to actively work to change yourself for the better.
Anyway, I'm here always if you want to talk or hang out. Pat's out of town Wed - Fri this week. I'll give you a call to see if you want to hang out. I've got to get some advice from you about wedding stuff anyway :)
Dearest Darlingest Beverly,
Oh boy do I know how you feel, I was there last year, I was there in that exact same spot, stagnant faith, laziness, lack of motivation, all of it. Instead of giving you I will tell you a few things that I learned:
1-it will pass I promise
2-read eat, pray, love, it will change your life...
3- sometimes the best way to deal with something is to recognize it, say you know what today I'm having a bad day and have it and then promise yourself that tomorrow you will do better.
4-once you start exercising you will not want to stop, it's just as simple as taking a walk and admiring the leaves
5-open the windows, let in the fresh air and CLEAN! Start cleaning your apartment and then the cleaning of your soul will commence, turn on your music loud and sing to it, put a bandana on your head and then laugh at your ridiculousness. It's good for you
and call me, trust me I'm up at all hours of the night studying these days.
I miss you and I hope you don't feel like you can't talk to me I know that we don't talk much however you know that I am always here for you...
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