This post completely wanders around a lot of stuff. Sorry for rambling, I will be more coherent when I have more time to post daily.
So last night, being the adventurous folk we are, Jeremy and I hit up redbox for a movie. I, feeling especially daring, let Jeremy go and pick out a movie all by himself. He came back with
"Click" with Adam Sandler. It ended up being a lot more serious of a movie than I thought. Predictable plot with a few minor twists, so-so movie, but it made me think, and I like it when stuff makes me think.
Somehow I don't think I have ever pictured the angel of death looking like Christopher Walken. But that is really beside the point.
Everybody talks about this topic, about life going by to fast, about life being to short, about what we will miss as working parents. This is not a new concept. The young can't wait to grow up and the old wish they were young again.
I am somewhere in the middle. At times, I feel old. I am married, I have a 9-5 job and a little apartment. But I am not really that old at all. I have many years ahead of me, if the current mortality statistics are correct. I have "my whole life ahead of me," to be clich'e about it. Yet somehow, I feel a little trapped, a little lost, kinda like I am floating about.
To quote another movie, "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."
I have a friend who is considering joining the military. His reasoning is that they will pay for his school and he would get to see the world for a few years while he is committed to work for them. (His profession is such that he would not be fighting on the front lines.) He said to me that now is the time for him to do something like this, he is young and single. If he doesn't join the military, he is pretty sure what he would end up doing and that it would be in his hometown. This is not a bad thing, but once he is settled into his job, it would be a lot harder to just up and go.* I understand this very well.
I grew up in this state and have never left it for longer than three weeks. I lived in two different houses growing up, less than five miles apart. I went to college about thirty minutes from my parent's house, and now live and work about forty minutes from my parents. I tried to travel abroad my junior year of college, but it fell through for various reasons.
I am now in a comfortable job and I have a husband and we are looking to buy a house. I can't up and leave now. As much as I "can do anything I set my mind to," I just can't. Where would I go? What would I do? How would I pay for it? How will my husband respond/react/feel? Plus I really want a house, I want a place of my own.
The wanderlust has me in its grip again.
Questions keep plaguing me. Why am I here? Why do I stay at this job that I moderately enjoy? What is my purpose? Does my life make a difference anywhere or for anyone? Am I just floating around all accidental-like? Do I have a path that I am supposed to be following? Why do I feel so lost sometimes? Why do I feel so lonely sometimes? How can I make a difference in this broken world? What am I trying to do? What do I even want?
Someone shared this quote, so I have no idea where it originated:
Love God and do what you want.
I am trying my best, but, God, I don't know what I want to do.
*For completeness, my reaction to my friend wanting to join the military is mixed. I want him to go and experience everything that he can, to not feel stuck. I can live vicariously through him! On the other hand, I am selfish, I don't want him to leave me, he is one of my dearest friends. He is spending a lot of time in prayer and I know that he will go where God calls him and that he will blessing wherever he ends up.
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