Monday, January 05, 2009

That's sooooo last year.

So its about that time of year where every blog and respectable media outlet or publication delivers a review of the old year, our mistakes and triumphs in retrospect and makes some sort of prediction for new year, 2009.

I suppose that it is my turn to publish some sort of thoughts on the year that has passed and the year to come, although I am about five or six days late.

New Year's is always a good time for introspection. Switchfoot's song really says it best. This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

I have to admit that I don't know. I don't know if I am who I want to be, but that is largely because I don't know who I want to be.

In the past year or so as I have been posting sporadically on this blog, my blog (as well as my life) has migrated. Just go read some of the earliest entries. I have gone from writing about my thoughts on life to posting pictures and updates on what I am doing. There is a time and a place for this, but that is not why I started this blog, nor why I called it 'On Today.' I like posting photos, especially as I become a better photographer, I hope to share that journey with you. But I also want to share my deeper journey, the journey of my life, of my heart and soul. I feel that as this blog has become a shallow log of my daily activities, my life has become shallower in what I pursue and prioritize. Two years ago I was leading Bible studies, engaging in thought provoking conversations on a daily basis, simply living more about God in my daily routine. I didn't have to try to fit God in, he was there. Now, I see myself slipping away from him further and further as the days go on. Not because of anything catastrophic, but because of laziness and complacency.

I don't know how to reverse this. Try googling "overcoming laziness" or "tricks to get motivated" and you will see a wealth of BS. I guess, as with all things, I am going to have to take this a step at a time. Two steps forward and one step back. Now I just have to make sure I don't get so frustrated every time I fall.

Perhaps things will get better once Jeremy and are settled down someplace permanent, perhaps when we find a new church, perhaps when I finish school so I don't have to deal with work + school + life all at the same time. But perhaps I am just making excuses not to make a change today.

I don't remember quite what the point was that I wanted to make with this post. There will be some logistical changes coming soon to this site (especially with the new location/revamp coming soon, get excited folks!) and hopefully, for those of you who know me, you will see a change in me too. Though its not so important that I change in your eyes, but in Gods.

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

You should probably mention that the lyrics you posted at the end are by DC Talk.